Here's the story, about as complete as it gets

This is a collection of emails chronicling an emotional, mental, spiritual, and relational wandering into and through grief.

The first ones deal with anticipation and excitement leading up to a greatly expected surgery.

The next section covers recovery and excitement about a greatly expected return to full health and vivaciousness for Ruth.

Then enter the specters, Death and Anguish.

Followed by my steady companions, Grief and Hope.

I would say “finally”, but it is not over. Will it ever be? I will just say ‘now’. Because now is where I choose to live. I know even better than before that tomorrow is never certain. And I hopefully learn from yesterday. But now is all I have. And if now is sad, then I cry. If now is hilarious, I laugh until I cry. And if now is just everyday stuff, then I go shopping, or go out to eat, or go to the bathroom.  

 

Like the story the kid wrote on his cast about how he broke his arm, this is written so you can get the whole story in one place, at one time.

If you like it, that’s cool. If it helps, that’s great too. If you relate to some of what happened to me, I hope you also find hope as I have.

But this is not written as a road map through grief. It is simply my story of my grief.

People have told me I should write a book. I have told them that if I did, it would be the best book I ever read about my own grief. It has helped me process everything so far, and it has been a way to stay connected to family and friends who loved her. If that helps someone else, that’s “gravy” as Ruth used to say. Gravy is all the stuff that goes on the table after the necessities, the meat and potatoes, have been taken care of.

 

 

For those of you who don’t know what transpired before we came to China, here’s the brief story.

November of 2007 at a teacher convention in Dallas we were introduced to an overseas teaching organization. We were planning to go back and teach in Longview the next year, but those plans were changed. We were being sent to China to teach in an international school in Kunming, China.

Andrew, Timothy, and Wesley came with us. Bethany, K’Leigh, and Jonathan stayed in college in the states.

Ruth was teaching second grade. I am teaching 6^th grade. This is an amazing school. It is also a great place to live.

When we came we knew that it was a remote possibility that Ruth might need surgery to remove a fibroid tumor from her uterus before we returned to the states the next summer.

It was determined she needed surgery sooner rather than later. We decided to go to Bummrungrad Hospital in Bangkok Thailand. It is an amazing hospital. We received better care than any hospital we’d ever been to in the states. The surgery went well, but after she left the hospital a blood clot lodged in her lung. Ruth died on Friday September 12.

The boys and I came back to the states for a memorial service. We stayed in Texas for about 6 weeks, then returned to Kunming.

And that’s where we are now. Where we are supposed to be. Learning and teaching and living. Definitely living.

And one more thing, speaking of learning. I have learned two certainties. He is good and He loves me, but you’ll read more about that later.

Expectantly hoping September 4 2008

Sept 4 2008

 

(After having run into snags getting surgery done in the states in the summer, it was determined Ruth should have it done early in the school year. It had been scheduled a couple times in Texas, but something always came up, or didn’t come through and she was going to wait until the next summer. What was thought to be one tumor in the states, ended up being 6. Some of those were discovered at a routine exam in Kunming during her first sonogram since being diagnosed. We were excited at the opportunity for Ruth to be well and active again.)

 

We have plane tickets. We have a reservation at a place to stay. We have appointments. We have a surgeon lined up. We have three types of currency. We have some hope. The last piece of the puzzle is the insurance company paying before and not after. That would help.

I feel like the boy who cried wolf. This is as close to certainty as we have come so far, and it appears Ruth will have surgery this weekend or early next week.

We are going to Thailand Friday and have appointments Saturday morning. They might do surgery that day or the next. The place we are staying is across the street from the hospital.

Remember us (and the boys) as we finally begin to get this behind us.

The boys are staying with a cousin at our place. We have open ended return tickets just in case we need to stay a little longer. I will be heading back when Ruth is doing well after surgery. Someone is going to come stay with Ruth while she recovers for a few weeks before returning to Kunming.

Thank you to all who have helped make this possible. The knowledge that you are with us now is so comforting and encouraging.

PS. On a lighter note…

I have created a blog with some stories and pictures. Enjoy!

Remember to use nice language when you write to us

Going to Thailand September 4 2008

Sept 4 2008

I know I sent this to everyone, but wanted to personally thank you guys for caring so much about us during this whole surgery thing.

 

We leave in a few hours for my second new country in 2 months. I wish we were headed to Thailand to see our Compassion child instead of going for 'business'. But I am just happy we can finally get this done.

 

If you wanted to pop in and check on the patient, we'll be at Bummrungrad Hospital in Bangkok. The set up seems pretty cool. Come in for an examination appointment, maybe have surgery later that day. Or the next.

 

My aunt is coming down to stay with Ruth after I leave. The school has been very understanding. They don't care when I come back. Just kidding. The sooner the better. But they really don't mind me staying with her until she is recovering well. 

It's awesome having family here. We have dinner with them most Sundays and my aunt is coming down to stay with her after I leave. She will be down there about 3 weeks.

 

You guys are great.

 

We'll try to let you know what is happening. I am taking my computer with me so I can try to stay in touch.

 

Kevin

Night before surgery (Fun night!) September 7 2008

Sept 7 2008

Hey guys, here’s an update so far on Ruth.

Tomorrow she is having surgery on the tumors (they found 5) on her uterus. They are also doing gall stone surgery as well. They found a sizeable stone and decided it needed to come out too. Not sure if they are removing the gall bladder or just the part with the stone in it.

The second surgery is not as invasive. And it will not significantly lengthen the recovery time.
The other good news is that the insurance will cover the gall bladder surgery.

If things go well I will come back Wednesday night. If she is taking longer to recover, I will stay until I feel she is doing better, regardless of what she thinks.

Ruth will be rooming with one of the teachers from the school who is here for surgery as well. That was cool how that worked out. Ruth and Jane can talk about where they want to stay when Jane comes down Wednesday.

We went to a mall today. To give you an idea of the size, the IMAX is on the 5th and 6th floors, and the largest aquarium in Southeast Asia is in the basement. (Oh yeah, The Dark Night was mighty impressive on an IMAX screen.)

Ruth misses everyone and wishes you could all have come to the mall with us. She wants to get something for the girls in Thailand.

The language is softer than Chinese, and the people are smilier.

You can email back, but we have to pay for internet access, so I am not on as frequently.

Love to all of you.

I have a phone here. (it cost about 6 dollars for a sim card.)

Kevin.

In surgery September 7 2008

Sept 7 2008

Howdy from Thai land.

Four o’clock  p.m. Bangkok time.  5:00 p.m. in Kunming. 6:00 p.m. in Seoul. 4:00 a.m. in Texas.

They took Ruth into the surgery room at 3:00. (do the math for you guys not here.) At 4:00 the surgery is to start. Hysterectomy with one doctor, Gall bladder surgery with the other. Both are nice, that counts for something. Think about them while they do the procedures. The plan is to do an epidural, laproscopic on the gb, and a bikini cut.

She should be done about 7 then back in the room at 9. (here, I’ll help… 8 and 10 in Kunming, 9 and 11 in Seoul, 7am and 9am in Texas and Arkansas.)

I’ll write again when she is out.

In the meantime, be thinking about her.

A correction in the room number. She is in 860. The other teacher is in 858. It’s the same room, just a different bed and phone. Sharing the phone wouldn’t be so bad, but…

Oh for Curt, Jane and LeRoy, we are checking out of Sara Inn. They are doing loud floor-shaking construction, and the bed is almost as hard as the one in Kunming (sans foam), except here the springs are geometrically designed to stick up in a strategic pattern to keep one awake most of the night. You should have seen Ruth demanding an egg crate or extra blankets and pillows. She even made the poor nice little man feel the bed to show him how bad it was. She got her pillow.

The hospital bed is much better. ME, I could sleep on a rock (actually I have).

Jane, Ruth wants to go shopping before she comes back. Two thing... don't let her overdo it, and don't let her bankrupt us. Not much chance of her doing the second, but she might do the first. I know she wants to come home early, but make sure she is ready before she does. A couple more days down here will not make that much difference in the long run.

Talk to you soon.

Kevin

Back in the room September 7 2008

Sept 7 2008

 

Ruth is back in the room. The nurse said she did well. Haven’t seen a doctor yet, but she’s sleeping comfortably right now.

We will let you know more tomorrow after we have seen the surgeons. For those of you who want some details, she had a large gall stone. The nurse was amazed at the size of it. (In fact, Ruth got to keep it, wanna see?)

She is doing pretty well though, sleeping comfortably except when the nurses come in to check to see if she is sleeping comfortably.

For those of you in the Western hemisphere, we are going to bed for the night. Look for an update in about 11 hours.

Thanks again for thinking about us.

Kevin

Good report after surgery September 8 2008

Sept 8 2008

Not much new this morning, she is alternating between sleeping and watching “Persuasion”. Her pain level is still fairly high, but mine would too, dealing with 4 incisions.

Three small ones for the gall stone. One large one for the tumors. The doctor said it 

was a bit bigger than she thought it would be, so she had to make a slightly larger incision.

She is supposed to stay in the hospital 5 days, then back here for a follow up to see when she is released to travel.

They have taken her off the intravenous pain medicine, and now have gone to oral. She will be able to eat a light meal tonight or tomorrow morning.

The care and service is amazing. They are so fast and efficient. No waiting. Unbelievable.
McDonald’s is great no matter what continent you are on. Even if it is a sausage, egg and cheese burger (not biscuit, this shore ain’t Texas ya’ll).

I wish I liked Starbucks. They have two.

Carrying three currencies is confusing.

Ruth likes Starbucks so that’s all good.

We will be looking for a quieter place to stay when she gets out. We will let you know where we’ll be. Still not sure when I will go back, but it is looking more like Wednesday. She seems to be doing well. We’ll play it by ear.

I will leave the phone card for Ruth and Jane when I leave.

More later.

Kevin