December 17 2008
The strangest phrase through this whole thing has been, "I'm sorry for your loss." What does that mean?
Even I have said "I lost my wife." I lose keys, I lose kids in Walmart, I lose hats and knives and books and track of things. But “I lost my wife” sounds like I left her somewhere and I can't find her.
I don’t know if this makes any sense at all, but I am taken aback when I hear that. Maybe I am way too literal.
There is loss. Layers of it. I’ve tried to make a list, or a stack of notes, or just feelings that can't be categorized, but it is in no way comprehensive.
I have mentioned before some of the things we have lost. But I've never really put down in one place what they were.
This is in no semblance of order of importance.
I lost a friend. She was always my wife, and that is a huge loss too, but my friend and I became so close the last few years. I used to call Jimmy, or Jeff, or Andy, or Tim, or Jesse, or Chase and tell them the newest, funniest thing I had heard or seen or done.
For a while now, Ruth was the one I called. We did things together, we liked the same movies (except for Gone With the Wind, yuck). We liked kids and reading and dogs and studying and birthdays and Christmas and holding hands and kissing. We liked that a lot. Used to embarrass the kids. That was fun too.
There were practical reasons for the things we mutually liked, as well as romantic reasons. See, when I was in college, I made a list of 17 things I wanted in a wife. Not like a shopping list, but like a wish list for Santa. I have tried to find it or recreate it, and I may finally be close to remembering. Here goes. I'll warn you, it's uncanny.
Please remember this was written by an 18 year old. The list would be somewhat different now. Some things were shallow, some were wise, some were just funny.
1 Growing Christian Actively Pursuing God
2 Intelligent
3 Has a Good Sense of Humor
4 Likes to Read
5 Likes to Sing
6 Likes Classical Music
7 Likes Music
8 Someone I could take out in public, not Miss America, just presentable
9 Likes Kids
10 Likes dogs
11 Likes to play basketball
12 Cares about people
13 Blond hair
14 blue eyes
15 Someone independent, not helpless
16 Someone who likes to go places
17 Someone who can cook
For those of you keeping score at home, that's 14 out of 17. And the three I didn't get were numbers 11, 13 and 14. (Being Chinese, blond hair and blue eyes was Not going to happen.)
Number 1 was there for a reason. I couldn't imagine living with someone who was not going the same way as me. That was a non-negotiable. I think she met that, or else those 4:45 a.m. studies she did each morning were a really good cover.
Number 2. Mr smarty pants (me) thought he was all that, with his great ACT scores. 95th percentile. And then she blows me out of the water. So totally unfair.
Number 3. She loved to laugh. And I loved making her laugh. (I was good at it.)
Number 4. Did you ever see her without a book?
5,6,7 She was in a select Chamber singers group in college. Not bad for a girl who couldn't read music. We were really pretty good together.
OK Number 8. Instead of presentable. I got "I need some oxygen. I can't breathe because you take my breathe away GORGEOUS!" I think God is still laughing about that one.
Number 9. Likes kids??!! Like a fish likes water.
Number 10 We had 14 dogs at one time. Then we began collecting kids instead. Fortunately the more kids, the less dogs.
Number 11. hahahahahahaha (actually the sport she got into the most was, you're not gonna believe this, Weightlifting. She LOVED it.)
Number 12 Uh, yeah. Number 13, 14 See note about Asian descent.
Number 15 She didn't Need me, which made it so cool when she Chose me.
Number 16 That was something fun we did a lot.
Number 17 Not at first, but later she was amazing! (funny stories about early forays into the culinary arts)
I would tell the story to almost everyone who would listen about the list. It was unbelievable, truly, that all those things were wrapped up into one woman. When people said I married up, I whole-heartedly agreed. So much more than I could imagine or think...
You can see why friendship was so sweet. We had so many common interests and values.
I'm not saying it would have been easier to 'lose' her if we hadn't been so close, in fact it may have been harder to live with regret and remorse over missed relationship opportunities. But it makes it so hard now to know what I am missing.
Another thing I was able to put a finger on recently about why it hurts so bad is that we were all looking forward to having her healthy again. Able to be active and go places with us. Hiking in the Western Hills down the road from our place. Being able to wrestle with the boys like she used to. Riding a bike again. Heck, even going to the gym and lifting again. (Ok, I'm sorry but that still freaks me out about the weightlifting thing. It was so fun for her. Weird.)
It wasn't just not having her with us, it was the loss of the almost guaranteed potential of her returning health. It makes it that much worse. Like being promised a batch of cookies, then finding out you are diabetic.
The kids lost a mom. In every sense. Both for now and for all the future happenings where she should be present. Being a grandmother. Making cookies. And more quilts. (we even did that together. Don't tell anyone. I don't want to lose my man card).
Birthdays, Christmas, graduations, Easter books, Sunday dinner when everyone was home.
Weddings.
That one scares me every time I think about it. How do I hold it together and not steal the show at each wedding. 6 times I have to give them away without her. Not fair. Not right. I feel so sad. She talked for years about how she was going to do everything she could to make the girls' weddings everything they wanted them to be. She had even opened an account to try to put some money away now for when those days would arrive. It was going to be hard enough to give my girls to another man, but now...
Someone recently asked me what superpower I would like to possess. Having actually thought about that before, I came up with ‘invincibility’. Able to survive being hit by a car, a train, a planet and still be unscathed. Then I thought, no, maybe invisibility would be better. Something with an Achilles heel, more believable, something people could relate to better.
Then it hit me. My superhero power was being married. The talisman was the ring. But the power came from the assurance and settledness, the anchor of a relationship, a committed relationship. I had a home base to fly from, to draw strength from; Knowing there will be a place to go home to.
Base. Like the safe place when we're playing tag in the schoolyard.
No matter the enemy, the misplaced criticism, the faults and heroic flaws, base is the one place where acceptance, forgiveness, love, friendship, safety are found.
But, now the crystal hall is shattered, the bat cave is destroyed and buried, the school for 'gifted' children is no more. No base. Just running. Trying not to be tagged. No place to rest secure in. No home to be safe in. Just a house.
Enemies pursuing. Only remaining uncaught by His grace. But not untouched. Wounded. Healing does come, but no place to recover. On the move.
Is there a fort instead? A place where I can be safe because of the camaraderie, a 'going with' with other superheroes, watching each other's backs? Or a series of temporary safe houses? People who hide me until I can go out again.
How can One be so much? It takes so many to replace her. Not replace, but to fill all those roles.
It's not to fly, or be indestructible, invisible, or simply amazing. Without the base I am a lonely hero. Without a place. A safe haven.Immortal still, but free only in a limitless purgatory.
There is a better home. And even though we are empowered to be super, we are not home yet. CS Lewis said we are constantly in the presence of immortals. Where we live forever is determined in our relationship. But we all live forever. Once we become empowered, we can never be free from the responsibility, obligation, or gratitude of being made super.
I have lost the balance we had as a couple raising kids. If I mess up now, it's all because I only have one perspective.
I have lost an object to love. Someone to pour into. I never think I was perfect at it, far from it, but I had gotten so much better. It's like an Olympian who trains for 3 years and then is told their event is cancelled. Prepared to compete, yet now no arena.
So if I am the one who 'lost' her, why am I the one who feels lost? It's like she lost me. And went somewhere I can't find. I know where she is, but I can't get there right now.
So when people say, "I'm sorry for your loss.", I hear the pain they are feeling as well. I know they wish it were different. And in their graceful, caring way their grace and care has made me feel a little less lost. I have found some safe houses to rest in. Some safe people to rest with. Some close friends to ‘go with’.
