Here's the story, about as complete as it gets

This is a collection of emails chronicling an emotional, mental, spiritual, and relational wandering into and through grief.

The first ones deal with anticipation and excitement leading up to a greatly expected surgery.

The next section covers recovery and excitement about a greatly expected return to full health and vivaciousness for Ruth.

Then enter the specters, Death and Anguish.

Followed by my steady companions, Grief and Hope.

I would say “finally”, but it is not over. Will it ever be? I will just say ‘now’. Because now is where I choose to live. I know even better than before that tomorrow is never certain. And I hopefully learn from yesterday. But now is all I have. And if now is sad, then I cry. If now is hilarious, I laugh until I cry. And if now is just everyday stuff, then I go shopping, or go out to eat, or go to the bathroom.  

 

Like the story the kid wrote on his cast about how he broke his arm, this is written so you can get the whole story in one place, at one time.

If you like it, that’s cool. If it helps, that’s great too. If you relate to some of what happened to me, I hope you also find hope as I have.

But this is not written as a road map through grief. It is simply my story of my grief.

People have told me I should write a book. I have told them that if I did, it would be the best book I ever read about my own grief. It has helped me process everything so far, and it has been a way to stay connected to family and friends who loved her. If that helps someone else, that’s “gravy” as Ruth used to say. Gravy is all the stuff that goes on the table after the necessities, the meat and potatoes, have been taken care of.

 

 

For those of you who don’t know what transpired before we came to China, here’s the brief story.

November of 2007 at a teacher convention in Dallas we were introduced to an overseas teaching organization. We were planning to go back and teach in Longview the next year, but those plans were changed. We were being sent to China to teach in an international school in Kunming, China.

Andrew, Timothy, and Wesley came with us. Bethany, K’Leigh, and Jonathan stayed in college in the states.

Ruth was teaching second grade. I am teaching 6^th grade. This is an amazing school. It is also a great place to live.

When we came we knew that it was a remote possibility that Ruth might need surgery to remove a fibroid tumor from her uterus before we returned to the states the next summer.

It was determined she needed surgery sooner rather than later. We decided to go to Bummrungrad Hospital in Bangkok Thailand. It is an amazing hospital. We received better care than any hospital we’d ever been to in the states. The surgery went well, but after she left the hospital a blood clot lodged in her lung. Ruth died on Friday September 12.

The boys and I came back to the states for a memorial service. We stayed in Texas for about 6 weeks, then returned to Kunming.

And that’s where we are now. Where we are supposed to be. Learning and teaching and living. Definitely living.

And one more thing, speaking of learning. I have learned two certainties. He is good and He loves me, but you’ll read more about that later.

Expectantly hoping September 4 2008

Sept 4 2008

 

(After having run into snags getting surgery done in the states in the summer, it was determined Ruth should have it done early in the school year. It had been scheduled a couple times in Texas, but something always came up, or didn’t come through and she was going to wait until the next summer. What was thought to be one tumor in the states, ended up being 6. Some of those were discovered at a routine exam in Kunming during her first sonogram since being diagnosed. We were excited at the opportunity for Ruth to be well and active again.)

 

We have plane tickets. We have a reservation at a place to stay. We have appointments. We have a surgeon lined up. We have three types of currency. We have some hope. The last piece of the puzzle is the insurance company paying before and not after. That would help.

I feel like the boy who cried wolf. This is as close to certainty as we have come so far, and it appears Ruth will have surgery this weekend or early next week.

We are going to Thailand Friday and have appointments Saturday morning. They might do surgery that day or the next. The place we are staying is across the street from the hospital.

Remember us (and the boys) as we finally begin to get this behind us.

The boys are staying with a cousin at our place. We have open ended return tickets just in case we need to stay a little longer. I will be heading back when Ruth is doing well after surgery. Someone is going to come stay with Ruth while she recovers for a few weeks before returning to Kunming.

Thank you to all who have helped make this possible. The knowledge that you are with us now is so comforting and encouraging.

PS. On a lighter note…

I have created a blog with some stories and pictures. Enjoy!

Remember to use nice language when you write to us

Going to Thailand September 4 2008

Sept 4 2008

I know I sent this to everyone, but wanted to personally thank you guys for caring so much about us during this whole surgery thing.

 

We leave in a few hours for my second new country in 2 months. I wish we were headed to Thailand to see our Compassion child instead of going for 'business'. But I am just happy we can finally get this done.

 

If you wanted to pop in and check on the patient, we'll be at Bummrungrad Hospital in Bangkok. The set up seems pretty cool. Come in for an examination appointment, maybe have surgery later that day. Or the next.

 

My aunt is coming down to stay with Ruth after I leave. The school has been very understanding. They don't care when I come back. Just kidding. The sooner the better. But they really don't mind me staying with her until she is recovering well. 

It's awesome having family here. We have dinner with them most Sundays and my aunt is coming down to stay with her after I leave. She will be down there about 3 weeks.

 

You guys are great.

 

We'll try to let you know what is happening. I am taking my computer with me so I can try to stay in touch.

 

Kevin

Night before surgery (Fun night!) September 7 2008

Sept 7 2008

Hey guys, here’s an update so far on Ruth.

Tomorrow she is having surgery on the tumors (they found 5) on her uterus. They are also doing gall stone surgery as well. They found a sizeable stone and decided it needed to come out too. Not sure if they are removing the gall bladder or just the part with the stone in it.

The second surgery is not as invasive. And it will not significantly lengthen the recovery time.
The other good news is that the insurance will cover the gall bladder surgery.

If things go well I will come back Wednesday night. If she is taking longer to recover, I will stay until I feel she is doing better, regardless of what she thinks.

Ruth will be rooming with one of the teachers from the school who is here for surgery as well. That was cool how that worked out. Ruth and Jane can talk about where they want to stay when Jane comes down Wednesday.

We went to a mall today. To give you an idea of the size, the IMAX is on the 5th and 6th floors, and the largest aquarium in Southeast Asia is in the basement. (Oh yeah, The Dark Night was mighty impressive on an IMAX screen.)

Ruth misses everyone and wishes you could all have come to the mall with us. She wants to get something for the girls in Thailand.

The language is softer than Chinese, and the people are smilier.

You can email back, but we have to pay for internet access, so I am not on as frequently.

Love to all of you.

I have a phone here. (it cost about 6 dollars for a sim card.)

Kevin.

In surgery September 7 2008

Sept 7 2008

Howdy from Thai land.

Four o’clock  p.m. Bangkok time.  5:00 p.m. in Kunming. 6:00 p.m. in Seoul. 4:00 a.m. in Texas.

They took Ruth into the surgery room at 3:00. (do the math for you guys not here.) At 4:00 the surgery is to start. Hysterectomy with one doctor, Gall bladder surgery with the other. Both are nice, that counts for something. Think about them while they do the procedures. The plan is to do an epidural, laproscopic on the gb, and a bikini cut.

She should be done about 7 then back in the room at 9. (here, I’ll help… 8 and 10 in Kunming, 9 and 11 in Seoul, 7am and 9am in Texas and Arkansas.)

I’ll write again when she is out.

In the meantime, be thinking about her.

A correction in the room number. She is in 860. The other teacher is in 858. It’s the same room, just a different bed and phone. Sharing the phone wouldn’t be so bad, but…

Oh for Curt, Jane and LeRoy, we are checking out of Sara Inn. They are doing loud floor-shaking construction, and the bed is almost as hard as the one in Kunming (sans foam), except here the springs are geometrically designed to stick up in a strategic pattern to keep one awake most of the night. You should have seen Ruth demanding an egg crate or extra blankets and pillows. She even made the poor nice little man feel the bed to show him how bad it was. She got her pillow.

The hospital bed is much better. ME, I could sleep on a rock (actually I have).

Jane, Ruth wants to go shopping before she comes back. Two thing... don't let her overdo it, and don't let her bankrupt us. Not much chance of her doing the second, but she might do the first. I know she wants to come home early, but make sure she is ready before she does. A couple more days down here will not make that much difference in the long run.

Talk to you soon.

Kevin

Back in the room September 7 2008

Sept 7 2008

 

Ruth is back in the room. The nurse said she did well. Haven’t seen a doctor yet, but she’s sleeping comfortably right now.

We will let you know more tomorrow after we have seen the surgeons. For those of you who want some details, she had a large gall stone. The nurse was amazed at the size of it. (In fact, Ruth got to keep it, wanna see?)

She is doing pretty well though, sleeping comfortably except when the nurses come in to check to see if she is sleeping comfortably.

For those of you in the Western hemisphere, we are going to bed for the night. Look for an update in about 11 hours.

Thanks again for thinking about us.

Kevin

Good report after surgery September 8 2008

Sept 8 2008

Not much new this morning, she is alternating between sleeping and watching “Persuasion”. Her pain level is still fairly high, but mine would too, dealing with 4 incisions.

Three small ones for the gall stone. One large one for the tumors. The doctor said it 

was a bit bigger than she thought it would be, so she had to make a slightly larger incision.

She is supposed to stay in the hospital 5 days, then back here for a follow up to see when she is released to travel.

They have taken her off the intravenous pain medicine, and now have gone to oral. She will be able to eat a light meal tonight or tomorrow morning.

The care and service is amazing. They are so fast and efficient. No waiting. Unbelievable.
McDonald’s is great no matter what continent you are on. Even if it is a sausage, egg and cheese burger (not biscuit, this shore ain’t Texas ya’ll).

I wish I liked Starbucks. They have two.

Carrying three currencies is confusing.

Ruth likes Starbucks so that’s all good.

We will be looking for a quieter place to stay when she gets out. We will let you know where we’ll be. Still not sure when I will go back, but it is looking more like Wednesday. She seems to be doing well. We’ll play it by ear.

I will leave the phone card for Ruth and Jane when I leave.

More later.

Kevin

Surgery update from Ruth September 8 2008

Sept 8 2008

(From Ruth)

Ruth’s turn…

OK Well

My favorite part was the first 24 hours on morphine and catheter and not having to get out of bed at all.

Actually my favorite is sharing everything with Kevin, he is my clown and my cavalier, and I had to tell him stop making me laugh cause it hurts too bad. He is the quintessential hospital partner

I miss you all, but I love seeing the slide show of you (the kids) on the computer. Hoping sometime we could do Bangkok together, just not under circumstances like this.

I think my two surgeons were slightly shocked at how big my tumors and gall stones were. I’ll bring my trophy home for you. I may even get a cd so you can see the mammoth tumor

I supposedly should be back in Kunming Sunday or Monday

How do you like your bedroom colors, boys?

Are you being nice to Dave Dave?


I am finding Him present in the pain. And in every other area of my life. “He is near to the broken hearted and the crushed in spirit” can also apply to me. (ps34).

Did you know you only have one gall bladder?

Take care of your gall bladder.

Love and kisses

Ruth

Humorous routine update September 9 2008

Sept 9 2008

The doctor came by today to check on Ruth. She is progressing fairly well. Right now the concern is her going to the loo. She has eaten solid food for 2 ½ days now and has not passed anything but water. They have a solution for that, but I would rather skip to the point. When she goes, she can go. If she feels up to it.

She had trouble going to sleep last night. If you know much about her, she can sleep on a freight train in a tornado, but last night she had to have a sleeping pill. She will be staying one more night here.

Leaving the hospital September 11 2008

Sept 11 2008

We are out of the hospital tonight and staying at a guesthouse north of Bangkok. Ruth is doing fairly well. She is having some back spasms and has a little trouble sleeping. But she looks happy to be out of the hospital.

I fly back tomorrow, Ruth follows in a week to 10 days.

Sorry you didn’t get any updates. It was a long day and night yesterday, on the phone from 12 a.m. to 3 a.m. with insurance.

And then two hours today with the billing department in the hospital.

Both groups were working with us, just speaking different languages, literally and speaking different languages, business-wise.

Ruth will have the computer with her until she comes back. Write her a note at ruthshorey@oasisis.org. She will be hanging out in the room a lot this next week.

Thanks for thinking about us.

Kevin

Worst day of my life September 12 2008

(This was the day Ruth died. I was on the  phone almost constantly from about 9 in the morning until 2 in the morning. Had to tell all 6 of the kids and several friends in person on the phone. Juggling three phones and three sim cards from three countries. It was the worst day of my life. One friend offered to come from the states to be with us, another friend did come from Seoul to be with us.)

 

 

Sept 12 2008

My emotions are all over the map.

Details. A clot dislodged somewhere and moved to her lung.

There were two nurses and a doctor staying at the place where we were last night.

I was about to leave to get on the plane when it first happened. She had a seizure of some sort, then she was better, but drained and found out within 3 minutes her blood pressure was low. The nurses and doctor were wonderful. The ambulance got here quickly, there were emt's, not common in Thailand, who began working on her. She arrived at the hospital conscious, and they worked with her too.

Her heart stopped, not a heart attack, 3 times and they did cpr and got her heart beating again. But there was nothing they could do. She was not in pain or distress. And wasn't aware of what was happening after the first stoppage at the hospital. I was with her when she left.

I am about done telling people in person on the phone.

We are heading home as soon as possible, hopefully Sunday. NICS is helping, and our insurance is also helping. Thanks for your offer to come. I know you meant it. You can do more for me there.

Kevin

Sad news report September 14 2008

Sept 14 2008

 

First I would like to say I hope to respond to all of your emails personally, but things are a little crazy now.

 

We don't have many details yet, but we are hoping to be back in the states by Tuesday to be back with the other kids.

 

They are surrounded by friends and family right now, as we are in Bangkok. My aunt, uncle, one cousin, and an administrator from the school are here to be with us until we go back.

 

We have people making arrangements and caring for us in so many ways. There are so many details to take care of here and there and I am so thankful we have people taking many of the burdens from us.

 

There will be more details to follow, feel free to pass it on to others

 

Never thought I'd be writing this so soon.

 

Ruth passed peacefully and in no discernible pain from a blood clot in her lung. Her heart stopped several times, but there was no heart attack, the blood clot was just inhibiting the heart from working.

 

She received better care than I could have imagined, there were two nurses and a doctor staying at the guest house where she was recovering after surgery. Within seconds of her first symptoms, she was being professionally cared for. There was just nothing that could be done. There were EMT's who administered care in the ambulance. The doctors at the hospital were excellent. They did everything they could to save her.

 

I was with her. She was peaceful. And now she's free.

 

We have been overwhelmed by the love shown to us by all of you. Thank you for being Christ to us.

 

Kevin

So tired of telling people and hurting them September 17 2008

(Two families from the Texas Christian Ashram, a family camp we attend each summer, lost their adult children and a grandchild in a devastating car accident. Here, I responded to one of the family members.)

Sept 17

 

I am so sad for you, your mom and dad. I know you love Ruth and us and are hurting still, and again. I wish I had not had to bring this news, especially to your family. I started crying again when i thought of your mom hearing about Ruth. I wish you did not know what we are going through. We love you guys too.

Kevin

(And this was written to one set of parents. At the Ashram last summer, trees were planted by the lake to remember them. This year another tree will join theirs.)

You are the last people I wanted to break the news too. It seemed rather unfair to bring this to you in light of your loss too. It hurts me to bring hurt to you.

You said something I have appreciated more than most of the things I have heard so far. You encourage me.

"Some things in this world just stink and defy any explanation, but God is faithful and His Word is always true.  He will uphold you and the Holy Spirit just never runs out of comfort."

Those words have rung true in me this week. Thank you so much for your courage.

Kevin

Seat belt moments September 18 2008

(The boys were flown from Kunming to Bangkok the day Ruth died. David, my cousin, and LeRoy, my uncle, flew with them. David accompanied us to Texas. We left Bangkok as soon as all the arrangements and legal dealings were taken care of.)

Sept 18 2008

 

We arrived about 9:45 p.m. at DFW. We stayed in the metroplex that night and then headed to East Texas Tuesday. Wednesday evening we will be in Hallsville. Here were some thoughts on the way over from Bangkok to LA.

Such mixed emotions. I am on my first 747 flight. Always wanted to do this. Ever since I was a wee bairn, I have flown all over the place and longed wistfully to be on this big flying building. I would even be jealous of the UPS guys that got to fly on the jumbo cargo runs.

But it’s just not the same. Some of the luster is gone. I wanted to share this with my best friend. This and so many other little things. She liked the things I didn’t when we would go to eat. I thought about saving the yogurt on the plane for breakfast for her this morning. I hate yogurt.

Then it caught me again, like trying to get out of the car with your seatbelt still on. I forget she’s not here until it’s too late to prepare my heart for the jolt back into the car. I just want to get out, but I keep getting pulled back in.

I don’t mind remembering. I even embrace the sadness at times, so I don’t get hardened and brittle. Brokenness is where the potter can start over. Remake me Lord, I am broken. I want to stop forgetting so the sadness doesn’t startle me, just gently reminds me to miss her.

One day…

Peace and comfort I have received in the knowledge that so many people are doing so many things to make this easier. People caring for my children, comforting them, hugging them, standing in the gap until I can get back to them. Some friends have gone to the house to get it ready for us to arrive. There are even people making plans for the memorial service, so we won’t have to carry the entire burden of that.

The celebration service is Saturday 11 a.m. at First United Methodist Church in Longview. It was one of the few places in town big enough for all of you to attend. Plus she loved the sanctuary there. And it is not a funeral, but a memorial celebration. The family will not be all in black, nor do we expect you to be either. A wise friend from Kunming noted Ruth dressed so colorfully and vibrantly (inside and out), that we should honor that. (He had only known her a few weeks, yet she had already made an impression). Good idea.

I only packed to stay a few days with Ruth after surgery. My aunt came down from Kunming to stay with Ruth for a couple of weeks while she recovered fully. Then I think they were going shopping. Ruth had an excuse (she didn’t really need one), since she had lost a dress size or two after the operation and recovery.

My cousin David packed for all three boys in 15 minutes as they were trying to catch a flight to Bangkok, and it was leaving soon. (Thanks David, you got us together quicker than I could have dreamed).

Since the boys and I brought very little clothing with us to Thailand, we went and bought some things to wear this weekend. Things Ruth would have liked us in. (Plus they were on sale, she would be so proud). So join us in this celebration of a life that brought so much joy and wisdom to so many. Share with us the joy and laughter she brought to us. Cry with us too. It is so sad to go on without her. But she is doing her funny little dance now in front of a Savior who she loved so intimately. Let’s get together and share what she means to us and how God used her to show us joy and grace and beauty.

Kevin

Friends loved her too September 19 2008

Sept 19 2008

Email conversation with a friend…

 

He said,

I don't know what to say.  I'm filled with sadness for you and the kids and all the people who will be profoundly effected by no longer having Ruth in their lives, but I also keep realizing that RUTH IS IN HEAVEN!!  How awesome is that?!?!?
 

My response,

It was one amazing thought I had. She is doing her funny little dance right now. But you know me, I can't tell many people this, I told her in a pretty good sarcastic voice as I was leaving her side, "That's not fair. Now I have to stay here and deal with all this. How fair is that?"

Then I gently pinched her big toe like I did sometimes when I walked out of the bedroom and she was still in bed.

Thought you would appreciate that.

Thanks for loving her too.

Kevin

Come in Depression September 30 2008

September 30 2008

It has been a while since you last heard from me. Several times I wanted to ‘let you in’ to see how we were doing, but I couldn’t. I know everyone will say they understand and they weren’t expecting anything, but I know what it is like to start a story and then not have the next installment to read.

For a time there, it was nigh impossible to put two sentences together and have it sound like I was a native speaker. And I am not sure what you are about to read will make much sense. My only suggestion is to read it slowly, maybe that will help.

The three boys and I have been in Austin for a few days. We are next headed to the Dallas area, then to Arkansas to spend a few days with Bethany. Please continue to think about us as we wade into the waters of what it means to be 7 Shoreys, after having had the honor for the last 11 years to be 8 Shoreys. It is certainly different, and not better, but it can still be good.

Here goes…

Come in Depression, you are not a surprise visitor. Wrap your arms around me; I don’t summon the drive to resist. You are a melancholy sadness without the kindness of tears. A desert. Dry, flat, seemingless,

Depression, but not despair. See, Despair is a door in Depression’s house I will to not enter. Despair lures me into a non-life through the portal of self-pity, down the tunnel of dark thoughts and paralyzing fear. It whispers; ‘This is impossible. Don’t go on. Give up. Just stop. Leave. Run away, if not in body, then at least in mind. Go through the motions… who cares…

But a trickling hope is still hope. Because that other voice, the one you’ve heard so often, whispers truth again, “this is hard. go on. look up. Don’t stop - just rest. remain. stand fast, if not like a mighty warrior at least like a stubborn habit. Go through the door..I care, your friends care, your kids care…

So, not Despair,

But Depression has presented it’s card and been ushered in, because there is a hole in my heart, deceptively deep. And no matter what I shovel in, nothing fills it. Either it is too big, or I am not big enough. Despite the distractions or positive thoughts or busy-ness, Depression is not put off, it stays in the parlor, waiting.

All the future life scenarios are overwhelming. Doing everything with half of me is beyond daunting, it’s disheartening. No wonder Depression sauntered in so easily.

But there IS hope.  Hope that I too will be rejoicing beyond belief when the time comes. Hope that I will be used and changed and fully alive again, not dim, but bright and colorful. Hope that I can bring hope to others because hope has been gifted to me. That is something to look forward to, even as I acutely dread many of the days to come.

As for now, Depression is here in the sitting room, but so is Hope. And even though they have visited others together before on so many occasions, they still don’t end up getting along. I have a hunch that Hope will outlast Depression, and Hope will be a regular visitor. Who knows? Hope may even choose to move in. I’ve seen it happen before.

So come in Hope, I’m sure I can find you a room if you choose to stay.

Letter to a friend September 30 2008

Sept 30 2008

 

As an amateur dabbling in psychology, it has been interesting to watch myself as this has gone on. I even realize the trap of analyzing and not feeling, so I have put some things in place to enter the feelings and just sit with them for a while. Sitting with depression was fascinating and not altogether enjoyable. Today's emotional flavor of the day seems to be fear of going on. Depression made me nervous, this one scares me. (probably why it's called fear). Thanks for two things. Your perspective now and your encouragement and help before.

Hug  your wife.

Kevin

October 7 2008

Oct 7 2008

Email to an administrator at Kunming International Academy

I know people are asking about our return. I wish this was easy. It isn't. The timetable I have in mind right now is to have the boys back in class on Nov 3. I may need a few days in Kunming to be ready to be back in the classroom. There are some personal things I need to take care of before I am ready to teach again. I have some administrative, domestic, and emotional business to take care of so I can feel effective at the school. I want to come back as whole as possible. I don't mind it being tough, but I don't want to fail either.

Thank you so much for so many things you did for us. Being with my boys those days was a big deal. And I know you felt horrible physically. that was a huge sacrifice I didn't want to go unnoticed. Also, you did so many things just by being there, and then also by sharing at the service. People have faith in the groups we are working with, Oasis and KIA, because of your presence and eloquence. I have had many people tell me how impressed they were that you came from China just to be here. I know that wasn't your purpose, but it served us in an amazing way. And finally, when you dressed in a bright shirt with no tie or jacket, it meant more to me than I can say. It honored Ruth in a way I feel but cannot express. It may have been a sacrifice or uncomfortable for you (I hope not), but it was huge to me. I really am struggling to find words to express how big it was to me.

Thank you for all that and for all you did there in Kunming. You are a servant deserving of a servant's reward. Blessings because you were and are such a blessing to us.

I am looking forward to being home.

Kevin

Remembering a fearful day November 6 2008

November 6

Much has happened since the last letter. A quick update, we are back in our apartment in Kunming. The boys started school Monday, and I start Friday. We are not just moving on though. This isn't something you get through and leave behind. It walks with us every day. But we are moving forward, taking what life has given us and relying on him to sustain us. He has come through before, and is coming through now.

Let me try to give you a few glimpses in the next few letters into where we have been these last several weeks physically and mentally/emotionally.

 

The day after the email about depression, I was feeling antsy about getting back to Kunming to return to teaching, to getting back to living in a place we feel is home. I thought I was about ready to begin the going back process. It wasn't just a desire to get back to work and to be busy in order to 'forget'. It was wanting to go home. To do what we were called/sent to do. We had already determined to return, I just hadn't set a date.

 

I received an email from Compassion International about our planned visit to Bangkok to see our sponsored child Panlop. That was something Ruth and I had dreamed of doing since we were only 2 hours by plane from where he lives. By a propitious twist, we were scheduled back to Bangkok instead of Kunming. That made it easy to decide to go see him on the way back to China.

 

A very unexpected moment happened when I saw that email. I had contacted them and given some choices of dates for the visit. When they emailed back, they said it was possible to see Panlop on October 30th.

 

I was shocked, but for totally illogical reasons. Suddenly I was pushed into making concrete decisions. I was no longer in total control of all the details concerning our return to Asia.

 

Apparently, not deciding on firm dates for the visit, for our flights, for our arrival in Kunming, was part of a control issue. Understandable, given the total lack of control over so many decisions I was forced into making in the previous few days. Doctors, hospital staff, officials, even family asking tough questions that demanded answers right away. Do we resuscitate again or not... do you want to cremate or prepare for burial... do you want to have a service at the cremation... are you going to wait for the remains or will you go back to the other kids sooner...

 

Totally unprepared, making decisions on auto pilot. Thank above for Curt and David and Jane and LeRoy. What an incredible support they were in those first hours, days. I have scared myself imagining what it would have been like to do all that alone...

 

The specific details from the Compassion email jolted me into the realm of tangible planning again. I was allowed no more nebulous 'maybes'. I was immobilized by that thought.

 

For the next 10 minutes i just sat.

 

Overwhelmed.

 

With everything; teaching, traveling, packing, being a dad without, being back home in Kunming, calling the airlines, making travel plans from Bangkok to Kunming after our visit with Panlop, answering awkward questions from loving 6th graders, saying tough goodbyes, tough hello's.

 

It was weird. Unexpected. And I was disappointed in me. I should be stronger; 'play the man'.

Lady Macbeth would have had a field day with me.

 

Instead, I felt...

 

fragile

 

That's not a word I have often used with me before.

 

Stupid maybe, foolish, unprepared, sheepish. But not fragile.

 

I felt like one of those Regency romance ninnies who need their smelling salts to be able to revive enough to concoct more inane dialogue.

 

A stark realization occurred. I was not nearly as ready to jump back into it as I thought I was. The plan and timetable I had been going by, the schedule I had set for our return was wise and I didn't need to short circuit it just because I felt I was doing well for about 12 minutes one sunny afternoon.

 

Cognitively, I knew no one was putting those expectations on me. Compassion would have rescheduled. The school would have waited for us to get back. 6th graders can be exceptionally gracious. I could go away to so many friend's homes to have time to heal. For as long as I needed. But the feeling was all consuming. Logic and reason were left outside cooling their heels.

 

I knew then I was all those things I hate to associate with me. I had to rely on people. Another foreign concept. Having to say, 'I can't'. 'Will you do this simple thing for me?'. 'Can I just be here and not answer your questions for a while?'

 

And I had no assurance that I would ever be different; better; anything resembling wholeness again.

 

Is this who I am now? Please, please no.

 

On this side of fragile I can see healing in humility and dependence. But when I was immersed in it, it was debilitating. Just let me find a dark corner.

 

And don't find me.

 

................

 

Obviously that was one stage in this trip. There have been others. Some expected, some not. All have helped shape where I am now. And now is much better than then. Coming through that has helped hope to grow. Hope for healing.

 

Speaking of 6th graders, I get to see them tomorrow. That will be really good. They have an innate ability to balance grief with goofiness. Wow, healing has not looked like what I thought it would.

Awkward and painful November 13 2008

November 13 2008

 

About 2 1/2 weeks after we arrived back in the states, we went to see Ruth’s sister.

One awkward thing happened the day we went to the State Fair. Actually the whole day was a little strange, because we weren't sharing that day with Ruth. She loved this stuff.

Since Ruth and Esther are sisters, they do share some similarities. And there was another Asian college friend with us as well. So...

At the midway, a barker was enticing us to play his game. We were going to anyway, so he didn't have to work so hard. Anyway, he said to the kids..."come on, you guys know you want to beat your mom at this game!" Of course there was no response from our part, good or ill, in fact. So he tried harder. "Hey you guys know you want to beat your mom, like she beats you at home."

Really awkward.

No telling what he was thinking about us. ‘Tough crowd’ maybe.

Things like that are going to happen, and they will be easier to deal with, maybe even humorous, but not that day.

We all had a small wry smile about it in the car on the way back, not really a good laugh, but a little strange ‘funny’.

The fair incident was awkward. A friend used the phrase 'huge hole' to describe what was going on. I completely agree. I'll explain later.

It's so hard to get a handle on this grief thing.

It looks different all the time. It's the Cheshire Cat of emotions. Like the weekend after the fair, grief looked like cargo shorts and darth vader t-shirt, with tears riveling down an 11 year old face behind a backwards cowboy hat pulled down to hide the pain. An 11 year old face, but a heart much older.

He is growing up too fast.

The hole is not a wide chasm. (I sorted this out the day of the fair. I hate not being able to put a label on an emotion. Once more I find grief elusive.) The hole, I found, is smaller across than I thought, but unfathomably deep. Like the hole in the yard where the tree used to be. You know it's there, but you forget exactly where until you step in it and it breaks your ankle.

We can be going along, making jokes and enjoying one another, then one of us will get that far away look I've grown sickeningly accustomed to. The look that sighs, "I wish...".

It's the guilt that gets me. Feeling guilty for having fun without her. Laughing when it seems incongruous with the feelings we 'should' be feeling. Wow, that 'should' opens a whole conversation on propriety and moving forward through the grieving. And I can hear people saying things like,

"She wouldn't want you to feel guilty..."

The truth in that statement doesn't change the feelings. Much like the truth about engaging in spiritual disciplines doesn't change the feelings of "I really wish I were doing something else right now".

A caring friend who carved some time out of an incredibly crazy busy schedule just to meet with us for breakfast taquitos at Whataburger was trying to reach out and console, and he succeeded, but he rethought many things he said after we had a chance to hash things out. He said it must be like half of me is gone. Well...

It's different than that.

See, what had happened is that through the last three years or so, Ruth and I had built a close friendship as well as a marriage. So when she was gone, I had lost a wife, a best friend and something else. The whole mystery of two being one entails the development of a third personality. There is me. There is her. There is us. Can't completely explain it. I've tried. I guess if I could, it wouldn't be a mystery.

So I lost her, and we, and a best friend. Wow, I just now realized something else while I was writing this. I lost Us too. For 11 years we have been "8 Shoreys". Now we are 7 Shoreys.

Us is a different number. In the car. At the table. At the movies. At the restaurant. In the pew.

Andrew and I share many things, one of which is the feeling of settledness we experience when all 8 of us are together. It is valium. It feels like placing the last piece of the jigsaw puzzle. Turning in grades. Kissing the last child goodnight.

That's why the hole is deep. Layers of loss. Bottomless doesn't begin to describe...

But there are 7. That is our new number. We live with it. As long as we live. As long as we live.

I choose to live.

New traditions must start, we certainly can't do things just like we used to. Christmas is daunting, but that baby in the manger will be born all over again. And stockings will be stuffed like before. Wonderful stockings we will touch with new appreciation. Because the hands that made them loved the hands that touch them.

But it will still be a celebration. We will sing again. And do silly things that will become inside jokes. New may be hard, but it is still good.

New defines us.

But I’d do anything to bring back the old days. And not just the good ones either.

Kevin