November 15 2008
This is what was going on about the end of the first week in October.
And I apologize now for the way I may have been distant from some of you during this time in the process. I hope it makes sense and doesn’t hurt.
Oct 8
The youth worker/ teacher/ dad keeps it together in crisis. Always have. People have needed that. And it has come easily, just the way I was wired.
But the grieving husband has not. How do I put this?
Hmmm... Instead of leading and empowering others in crisis, I have drawn inward, letting others fend for themselves. That is so foreign. I never do that. I have chosen to not engage in conversation except with the people I exclusively want to. I have been gracious in trial in the past. Am I failing now? Is this acceptable and not merely "shrinking back"? I do not want to dishonor my father above or myself.
But it feels right.
Needed. Proper. Healthy.
People are grace-full and understanding. And patient and indulgent. I was a terrible guest at one house where we stayed. I avoided being with them. Almost, but not quite, involuntarily I chose to be away. Here they are providing us a place to stay while the boys and I visit Bethany, and I don't even have the decency to go and talk with them and say thank you.
I look at the guest register and don't want to be trite, but I have no real words to say. (I finally did say something. Yes, it was nice).
I feel selfish.
Selfish is another word I don't like to associate with. I am at times, and I know when I am, but at least I can usually hide it like good hypocrites do. I know that game. I wrote some of the rules. But I couldn't even fake it. I was just plain interested in me and my kids and no one else.
Part of the pain of that, is the whole position of shepherd. (here I go sounding vain; self-important)
A friend said he noticed at the reception after the memorial celebration that many times I was consoling more than I was receiving consolation.
I noticed that was happening too. After reflecting on that event, I discovered that shepherds shepherd. (My logic is amazing isn't it? And so deep. I wish there was a sarcasm font…)
Just because something happened primarily to me, doesn’t negate the fact it also happened to them.
They may have sat at the feet of the master teacher (me), but they also sat at the kitchen table of the High and Supreme Master Amateur Counselor (Ruth).
She impacted so many lives over graham crackers and milk. Many of my pupils have fallen away. Many of hers have fallen in love. (with you know who). Actually most of you do, come to think of it.
They felt loss and needed what I had offered in other times of loss in their lives. They didn't even know they were doing it, they just knew they were hurting, and they came to me. I am honored at their opinion of me in that situation, that I had something to offer. I didn't have much, but I sure still love them a ton. I hated to see them hurt.
At this last house, it was the first time there was no one there who needed me. They didn't know her. I didn't have to help them in their grief. It was freeing and it was just what I needed (that was the nice thing I wrote in their guest book), but I felt like a heel ignoring them.
I know, I know, it's ok to feel that way. And I agree, but the feelings of neglect remained.
I'm ok with it now. It WAS just what I needed.
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