What did it cost her? February 11 2009

February 11 2009

What follows is not some maudlin attempt to emotionally flog myself, so that I might somehow feel better. Nor is it a plea for pity or affirmation. Before this even started, as I was preparing to open this door, in a time of personal worship, the healing words “Forgiven” and “Complete” came. 

Good thing, too. This has been harder than I wanted, but not than I needed. Those words are making this bearable. 

Loved by her. Loved by God. Forgiven by both. Those are Truths guarding the way through the door I am about to enter. A doorway to a frightening reality. 

It is a reality I would just as soon avoid. It is one of the most painful looks in a mirror I have ever taken. I did not want to see myself like this, nor did I want anyone else to see it. 

I fight defensiveness so much. I just wish I won more of the bouts. The following excerpt came as I was writing the first response to the first entry in “What did it cost Ruth to stay in this marriage”. Unrighteous indignation reared its ugly head right from the start. great. 
 

“(As I was write this, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, my scalp tingles, I feel angry, and hot on my chest. I am so defensive. I want to scream my innocence. It is so hard to state her side with no rebuttal from me. I am roiling in amazing depths of emotions. The urges to fight and flight are both straining at the harnesses.)” 
 

I hope I have been honest, not defensive. Because this is not about me, it is about her and what price she paid to stay with me. 

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I asked three people closest to her to tell me what it cost her to stay. They relayed discussions they had with her concerning our relationship. I have listed those issues and then responded to each one. 

I want to thank them again for walking me through this particular night of grief. It is dark, and I could not do it alone. 

I then reflected on the many ways I had hurt  her through the years and the ways she forgave and gave into our relationship.

Here is one of several of the entries.

“She noted that the reality of marriage never measured up to the fantasy of marriage. 

She invested in marriage even when she knew it would never be as good as she wanted it to be. Like continuing to work on a piece of art or writing when you know the end result is not going to be as good as it could be. She gave up her ideals for a more sober reality. She gave and gave and gave into a marriage to make it better. 

It cost her herself. 

She gave her Self to be married to me.”