Off the mountain December 5 2008

December 5 2008 

(This section was written a few days after the trip to West Texas, about a week before we came back to China.) 
 

I knew before we hiked up the mountain that we would be different when we came down. Not immediately maybe, but some time we would see some lessons learned. 

For me, Resolve came back. 

Remember when he 'set his face' toward Jerusalem? 

I feel like I Can get some things done. 

I can face the daunting questions of 6th graders. 

I can be a dad to 3 boys in China. 

I can maybe even lead worship again and not be afraid of not being able to make it through a song. 

I can face some other things back home in Kunming. 

It won't be easy. I will need help (I can't believe I just wrote that). Asking for help is so foreign. I am the helper. I am the strong one. Not any more. 

I will have bad days. But just like I stood in that driveway when Ruth and I were dating and she said,” Go away and Never come back." And I replied to a turned back that never heard me say it, “I will love you no matter what, even if we are not together.” That was a day I stood by commitment. I feel like I can stand now and say, “I choose to stand.” Maybe not even move forward much, but at least just stand. 

I was physically exhausted after that mountain trip. I have never had anything sap me like that before. Even the 150 mile bike ride in 2 days didn’t leave me feeling anywhere near like the trip up and back down the mountain made me feel. 

In a similar way, nothing has ever left me reeling like losing Ruth. 

I am less strong than I thought. 

My mind even failed me when I thought I was mentally tough. I'm not saying those are necessarily bad revelations, but they are sobering and humbling. 

I have to rely on him and other people. Completely. 

I am poorly describing how passionately I am feeling these things for the first time. It is new ground to be treading. And there is no map. 

I guess from all the crap I endured as a kid and teenager, I thought I would never be thrown like this. I have always managed well in times of chaos and pain. 

Not this time. Wow. 

The mountain showed me there was hope to return to that part of me that could at least function again. I did it. We did it. A milestone, like I said about Wesley. 

There will be other victories. And other struggles. 

But now I really see that people don't expect me to be superman. I can have kryptonite moments and Lois and Jimmy can come to the rescue. 

Or more appropriately, I am Jimmy Olson and Clark and Lois pick up my pocket protector and flash bulbs when I trip on the trash can again. 

Except this was the big gynormous trash dumpster and I felt crushed under it. Thankfully Curt and David and Emma and Jeff and Esther and Michelle picked it up off me, so now at least I can breathe again. 

Thanks guys.