December 23 2008
'Loss' will not ever completely leave. People always wonder what it would be like if that pet had never died, or that car had never been sold, or that house still belonged in the family.
But look at what we have. Ruth left us a treasure chest. Amazing wealth that can't be taken. Or lost.
Three days ago, we put up a tree in the living room. And we hung stockings on the wall.
And hung a Christmas quilt (with matching table runner).
She is sewn into the fabric of Christmas. And what a beautiful life tapestry.
6 stockings.
6 works of art, labors of love, for 6 children she adored.
6 unique designs, like the kids themselves.
I used to try to read with her. The same book at the same time. It was cute until she was ready to turn the page and I was still reading the chapter title. It was ludicrous. She read so fast. That love of reading is one of her gifts.
She read to them all the time. Even before they were born. She would sit with a book in front of her cute little tummy (ok big tummy) and read books to them. I don't know what it was that got to them, but something did. Just hearing her lilting voice as she paid attention to them, her nurturing tones embracing them in the womb. It was amazing to behold.
It was a precursor to vivid scenes in labor rooms. When they were born, she held them and gazed into their little faces. And she loved them. Not a passive gentle caress and embrace, but a wild, breathtaking, vibrant intensity of other-centeredness. She was inexorably lost in the passion and tenderness of their first moments. Right then, no one else existed. It was as if even she wasn't there, she was so totally lost in them. And I witnessed that magical transformation. Every time. She transformed instantly from weary and expectant to ardently in love. Speaking life to them. Singing softly. Comforting. Enfolding them. No wonder they were so close to her.
That tenderness continued. And the reading. She read to them as infants, and as toddlers. When they could hold a book, she would read to them from her copy and let them follow along with theirs. Then she would teach them to read along some as well. If you have ever heard the kids read out loud, you can tell. So expressive, interesting. Characters came alive and jumped off the pages into their imaginations. What a gift to pass on.
She was really into birthdays. Pick your own meal. (Usually chicken fried chicken, mashed potatoes, cream gravy, some vegetable of choice, and artichokes. With cake and Blue Bell Ice Cream.) And a meaningful gift.
Speaking of gifts, she would begin collecting them for Christmas months ahead of time. And then she and I would stay up late and put gifts out. Then we would go to bed and let Santa do the rest. The rule was, no one got to go into the living room until we had all gathered on the bed after 7 a.m. Strict rule, never to be broken, or you gave up your presents to your siblings. They love each other, but there is a line...
Almost every night in December, we sang. The kids learned so many songs. And we lit candles, and tried to keep Timothy from setting things on fire. Like his hair, or the curtains, or the fish tank, or a sister.
Easter was a gift giving time too for her. Each year, everyone got a book. Many years it was a 'princess' series book for the girls. Good choice for two princesses.
That was another thing she did. She taught the girls to be beautiful. Bows and dresses and ribbons in tresses. And helping them grow beautiful on the inside too. I wrote down a quote from a speaker recently " I am the interior decorator of your mind and I am hanging beautiful tapestries on the walls of your life". That's what she did. Beauty came from inside and spilled out of her. Our girls are beauties as well. If you've seen them, you know. And as you spend time with them, they appear even more beautiful. Ruth also sewed faith into the girls as well. Much was 'caught' from her, watching and emulating her life. I am thankful for such an example.
The boys now know what qualities to look for in a wife. They had a good model. They know the values I expect for them to look for. Their list will be different than mine, but I am guessing there will be quite a few similarities. Godly, intelligent, other-focused, with some other really interesting qualities they desire.
She and God worked hard. I was one of their biggest projects. And one of the orneriest. There are so many things I didn't know before, that I do know now.
I know what benefit comes from perseverance. I proposed on three different occasions. She was definitely worth it. (I let her keep the ring the first time. Well, I didn't need it. And it was one less thing to worry about the next two times.
I know that a marriage can be salvaged and renewed because of a forgiving wife who chooses to make it work in spite of a selfish husband who hurts and neglects her.
I now have an appreciation for counseling. I was proud and ignorant and thought I didn't need it since I counseled so many other people. I was wrong. It was a major part of not only saving, but recreating our marriage. The last three years were the best of my life. Those of you who have known me for many years and know where I came from can honestly attest that is a true statement. Not just romantic hyperbole.
I know that a man can feel like he can face whatever is thrown at him when a woman who loves him stands with him. And that when she is displeased with him that "the sun appeared dark in my eyes".
I know that gift giving touchy people can make it work with affirming servants when we become bilingual and speak each other's love languages.
I know that INTP and ESFJ can in fact make a great match. I think so anyway, and that's the way she felt.
She taught me how to say, "I'm sorry." She told me how, and she showed me how.
I know the kids learned about conflict and forgiveness, and making out, I mean making up.
I learned how to harmonize
I know that 'winters' do not generally look good in earth tones, rather they look great in vibrant colors; reds, kelly greens, bright yellows, off-setting black and navy and charcoal.
She taught me several other things, too.
I can sew.
I can french braid hair. The girls helped me too, at least they let me practice. Sorry girls.
I learned how to include people.
I learned how to read 14 page love letters in one sitting. I still have those from 1982-1984.
I know how to defend myself when being attacked with razor sharp nails in a tickle-fight. Kory did not, and has the scars to prove it.
I learned that I can't stand Gone With The Wind, mushrooms, and detailed stories about The Titanic.
I can carry on a conversation in sign language.
I have new ability in wood working and painting and plumbing. Sometimes her tastes were a bit more extravagant than our bank account. I became good at those out of necessity.
We all learned how to deal courageously with pain.
And we all have gifts of quilts and stockings and wall hangings and even a couple of paintings that we will treasure.
She also taught us how to eat new foods. If not for that, I would be skinnier now.
And of course we have Hilarious stories.
Eggs, Beans, Cow Bayou, It sure is grey out here, Falling asleep on trips, San Antonio
Did you know boiled eggs explode if you cook them long enough without water? I didn't either until we got married. I have pictures.
If four people salt beans because the last batch was too bland, and Ruth gets to be the last one and puts in a double portion, you can use said beans to cure 4 cows.
When she woke up on trips, wait, let me back up. She honestly fell asleep several times on long trips before we got to the city limit sign leaving town. not kidding. And you wonder why I talk to myself.
But when she woke up on trips, she said the strangest things. Once she woke up and read the sign for the river crossing and said Cow Bay Ow. Even someone not from Louisiana should be able to read that.
Then on the bus from Boston to Old Orchard Beach Maine, she woke up on a clear sunshiny day and said, "It sure is grey out there." There was a large truck next to the bus. With the sun shining on it. Yeah.
Then there was the time I had two friends whisk her out of the house and take her to the airport. They were dressed like secret servicemen. Business suits. Aviator sunglasses. Talking into their watches. One of them carrying a silver case handcuffed to his wrist. They put her on a plane to San Antonio. People in the airport thought she was somebody famous, and they kept saying things like "Is that?" "I've seen her before, she was on that show, you know, the one..."
She arrived and I was waiting for her with an ENORMOUS paper mache' flower. And a look of trepidation. Would she think this was funny. She didn't really like surprises. It could be a really really long drive back to Dallas if I had screwed up. Of course I thought about all these things after she had taken off. Oops.
It was a great day. A gift. We went to several Spanish missions. The riverwalk. Stopped at a Sara Lee bakery and proceeded to eat pound cake for the next four hours. We talked and listened and held hands and smiled a lot. She was gracious and funny, I was giddily content. We were 'us' at our best.
So, through her we gained so much.
And referring back to number one on the list of qualities I was looking for in a wife, since she was diligently searching, following hard after Him, I am closer to my Father because of her.
Thank you honey.
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